Ripped Apart, Ch.9

Ripped Apart, Ch.9

“Where were you?” Jack immediately asks in a soft whisper. I look at him, only to find out that his dark brown eyes are full of worry. It doesn’t take away the prettiness of his eyes, though. See? That’s why I don’t want to be near him, he makes me think and feel things that I don’t want to think or feel; things that I shouldn’t even be feeling.

“Matt,” I simply answer, saying nothing more than that. I’m sure Jack’s smart enough to figure out where I was. Now I just concentrate on what’s being said by the teacher and try not to think about Jack. I know that he glances at me every few minutes, but I’m too scared to look back at him. I’m scared that if I do look at him, that I will only fall for him even more.

It’s hard to ignore Jack, though. Especially when you have to do laboratory experiments with him. We have to work in pairs of two and do an experiment about bases and acids. How interesting. I try to avoid looking at Jack and only say the necessary which in this case is an occasional ‘yes’ or ‘no’.

“Alex, what’s wrong?” Jack asks, for about the millionth time that hour.

“Nothing,” I answer, just like all the times before. Why can’t he just let it go?

“Alex, don’t bullshit me,” Jack snaps, glaring at me now. Wow, I didn’t expect a reaction like that. Jack has never been mad at me. Pissed, yeah, but never mad. His eyes are clouded and almost black. It scares me a little bit to see him like this. “Since yesterday, you’ve barely talked to me, this morning you left without letting me know where you went and now you will barely look at me,” he says and besides seeing anger in his eyes, I can see hurt and disappointment too. I don’t want to hurt him, but I don’t see another way, so I’ll have to. It’s the best solution. I rather hurt Jack than I hurt Matt. I know that’s a cruel thing to think, but it’s just the way it is.

“It’s none of your business, Jack,” I snap back at him and immediately start feeling bad for doing this. He has helped me so much, and this is how I pay him back? It’s still better than cheating on Matt, though, I think. “Just leave me alone, okay?” I say, looking down at my hands.

“Fine, if that’s what you want, then I’ll leave you alone!” Jack growls and slams his chemistry course book shut. “Have fun on your own,” he mutters and runs out of the classroom.

Fuck. This is not how I wanted this to go. Jack deserves better than that. He deserves better than me hurting him like this. I manage to resist the urge of running after him and I stay in the room, until the lesson is over. The next two periods are Maths and English, so that means no Jack. When it’s lunchtime, I don’t go to our usual meetingplace. I just can’t stand seeing Jack at the moment and I’m sure he’s feeling the same way about me.

It’s Tuesday, so that means I’ve got two periods with Jack in the afternoon, thought. But he doesn’t show up at neither of them. I’m in Biology class now and I’m worried sick. Biology is one of Jack’s favourite courses (apart from the whole dissection stuff, he’s got a weak for that), especially when we’re dealing with animals. Jack adores animals. About a year ago, I accidentally stepped on a spider and he almost started crying because I had killed it. A small smile appears on my face when I think about that. But then I realise how much I’ve hurt him and my smile immediately vanishes.

I’m having contradicting and not to mention confusing feelings towards Jack. I wish he was here, because I miss him already. But at the same time, I don’t want him around me, out of fear that I’ll give in to my feelings. I take a deep breath and try to concentrate on the lesson, but I don’t think I have to tell you that my efforts are completely in vain.

When school’s finally over, I immediately make my way back home, thinking about nothing else than Jack. Jack. Jack. Jack. As I’m getting closer to my house, I notice a dark figure sitting on the steps in front of my house. Who could it be? My guesses are it’s Jack. I really hope he’s not too mad at me. I stop walking for a little while and lean against a tree. Should I turn around and wait until he’s gone or face him? I sigh and go for the latter.

“Hey,” I mutter when I reach my house two minutes later.

“Hey,” Jack replies, looking down at his feet, instead of looking at me.

“You’re probably here to pick up your stuff?” I ask, my voice a little bit shaky. I can’t believe I am really sending him away.

“What?” Jack asks, finally looking at me, his facial expression radiating nothing but disbelief. “I came here because I wanted to talk to you, Alex”, he says and stands up. “But apparently that’s not what you want,” he mutters and sniffs. God, I’m awful, I made him cry. I wish I could do something, but I can’t. I can’t be unfaithful to Matt. “All you care about is getting rid of me,” he speaks and several tears are now tumbling down his cheeks. “Why?”

“No, Jack, that’s not true,” I reply, shaking my head.. I don’t want him to think something like that. “I just need some time for myself, okay? Some time without you, or anyone else for that matter, to get things cleared up in my head,” I explain, hoping that he will fall for it.

“What the hell are you talking about, Alex?” Jack wonders out loud, a look of confusion spreading over his face.

“Things, Jack,” I answer, not wanting to let him know about my feelings. I fish the key of the front door out of my pocket and open the door with it. “Come and get your stuff,” I mutter, entering my house. Jack follows me to my room, sniffing every few seconds.

“You heard us talk, didn’t you?” Jack questions in a low whisper as he’s putting all of his things in a large bag. “That’s why you don’t want me around, you hate me,” he cries and then he storms out of the room.

Shit.

I run after him and manage to stop him before he runs out of the house.

“I don’t hate you, Jack,” I state matter-of-factly, keeping my hand on his shoulder so he won’t run away again. Things have gotten too much out of control. This is not what I wanted.  “You’re my best friend, Jack,” I start, awkwardly standing in front of him, our eyes not meeting once. “And I can’t do this. I love Matt. I really can’t do it,” I continue, shaking my head. Great, now I’m crying as well.

“What do you mean? You can’t do what?” Jack asks, looking at me with a large frown. “I haven’t asked you to do anything, Alex. The feelings I have for you are my problem, I’ll deal with them, but please don’t push me away,” he begs. “I still want to be friends with you.”

I shake my head in response. “Maybe you can deal with your feelings, but I can’t deal with mine,” I snap, take away my hand from Jack’s shoulder and then I step away from him and open the front door.

“What do you mean with that?” Jack asks, not moving an inch.

“Nothing,” I quickly answer. “I’m sorry for hurting you, Jack,” I tell him in pure honesty. “But there’s no other way to do this. I can’t do this to Matt.”

“Alex,” Jack starts, wiping his tears from his face with the sleeve of his sweater. “What the hell are you talking about?” he questions, still completely oblivious.

He really can’t see it, can he? He can’t see that I’m head over heel in love with him. I’m not going to tell him, though, because it’ll only confuse him more. “You’re making absolutely no sense,” he adds, giving me a pleading look.

I shake my head in response, silent tears still rolling down my cheeks.

“Please go, Jack,” I whisper, already hating myself for uttering those words. “Don’t make this harder than it already is.”

Jack picks his bag up from the floor and without saying another word, he storms out of the house. After closing the door, I burst out into tears and slide down to the floor. What have I done? Jack was the only person in my life that still cared about me and I just sent him away. It’s so wrong, but at the same time it’s the only right thing for me to do, right? I stay on the floor, sobbing, until I hear my dad’s car stopping in front of the house. I quickly go to my room and burry myself in my bed, underneath the sheets.

About an hour later, I feel my cellphone vibrate in my pocket. I take it out and look down at the little screen. Jack. I stare at the screen for a little minute and then I push the red button, rejecting the call. I don’t want to talk to him, but the persistent boy Jack is, he calls me back. I reject the call once more, but two minutes later my cell is vibrating again. Fuck it. Why can’t he understand that I don’t want to talk? I reject the call again and only a few seconds later, Jack’s name appears on the screen of my cell phone again.

“Fuck!” I yell and in a moment of pure frustration, I throw my cellphone hard against the wall and watch how it shatters into pieces.