Ripped Apart, Ch 1

Ripped Apart, Chapter 1

I’ve always hated funerals. Hell, I think everyone does. But what are you supposed to say, do or feel when it’s the funeral of your seventeen-year-old boyfriend?
I don’t know. That’s probably why I’m just sitting here, crying and staring out in front of me like a zombie as the priest keeps on talking about him. He keeps on repeating what a wonderful and bright boy Matt was and how he is under God’s surveillance now.
Bullshit. This priest didn’t know Matt.  I doubt that he had ever heard of Matt before his parents asked him to do this service. Hypocritical bastard. It takes me every ounce of energy I have in my entire body not to walk over to the priest and slap him right into the face. If I do that, I’ll probably never get the chance to say goodbye to Matt, so I stay seated, my vision completely blurred because of my tears.

Why did Matt have to die? He had never done anything wrong in his entire life. In contrary, he was the sweetest, most adorable and caring boy I have ever known. It’s not fair; he didn’t deserve to die.  I really need him in my life, because he was one of the only people around me that made me feel loved, and made me feel like I was worth something. I really can’t get my head around the fact that he’s gone and I’m still here; left on my own.

The service is coming to an end and it’s time to say goodbye. This will be the last time that I can see and touch Matt’s face before they bury him deep into the ground; a dark and lonely place, two things Matt was so afraid of. I walk towards the coffin where they put his lifeless body in and I wipe away my tears so I can see him properly. He looks so beautiful, so peaceful, almost as if he’s just simply sleeping. If only that was true. I reach out my hand and caress his cold, white cheek. More tears leak from my eyes and then my knees start to shake. This is too much for me to handle and after looking at him one last time, my knees give in, making me collapse onto the tiled floor.

When I wake up again, I’m lying in my bed, I think, and someone’s caringly pressing a wet and cold facecloth against my forehead.

“Matt?” I ask in a weak voice, keeping my eyes tightly shut.

“Alex, it’s me, Jack,” a voice that doesn’t belong to Matt answers. I open my eyes, blink a few times and start crying again. Matt’s not here and he will never be here again. He’s gone forever. “You really need to calm down, Alex,” Jack tells me and pulls me into a soothing hug, letting his hands travel up and down my spine, trying to calm down my painfully pounding heart and shallow breathing.

“I don’t want to calm down.” I cry, sobs wrecking my entire body. “I want Matt,” I say and I know it’s stupid. Jack can’t bring Matt back either. No one has the power to do that, but I don’t care if it’s a stupid thing to think, because it’s what I want. It’s what I need, so badly.

“I know, Alex,” Jack whispers and lets go of me. “But he won’t come back, no matter how much you cry. You need to accept the fact that he’s gone and then you can go on with your life. I know that it’s a difficult thing to do and it won’t happen just like that, it takes time.”

I shake my head and push Jack away from me.

“No!” I shriek, so loud that I’m sure all of my neighbours have heard the scream. I don’t want to carry on with my life, not without Matt. It’s an impossible task. Matt and I promised each other eternal love, so how am I supposed to live without him? I can’t and I won’t.

“Alex, please calm down. Acting like this won’t bring him back,” Jack tells me, putting his arms around my shoulders once more. I violently shake my head and start screaming like a wild animal that is in fear of its life. Maybe if I scream loud enough, I will wake up from this terrifying nightmare and Matt will be here with me again. He’ll be here in my arms, ready to soothe me and tell me it was just a stupid nightmare.

A nauseous feeling starts to spread from the pit of my stomach and a few seconds later, I start heaving and throw up the little bit of food Jack’s mom force-fed me this morning. My vomit lands on myself and on Jack. This is not how I wanted to treat Jack. It surprises me that he hasn’t left me yet, just like everyone else has. I should be grateful that he’s still here with me instead of puking all over him, like I just did.

“Sorry,” I whisper, my throat feeling sore and scratchy because of the screaming. “I really didn’t mean to. Sorry,” I tell him and try to clean the vomit off his shirt with the sleeve of the sweatshirt I’m wearing. It’s not very hygienic, but it’s better than doing nothing at all.

“It’s okay,” Jack assures me and pulls me out of my bed. “Let’s get you into a nice, warm bath and get you cleaned. The warm water will calm you down too.”

I nod in response and let Jack lead me towards the bathroom, his arms supporting pretty much my entire weight the entire time.

“Sit down,” Jack commands once we’re inside the bathroom and puts his hands down on my shoulders, pushing me down onto the little stool that is standing in the corner of the bathroom. I slump forward, barely able to keep myself from falling down on the floor.

Jack opens the water taps of the bath, letting the water fill the tub. Then he rummages through the different bottles in the wall cupboard and picks one out. He squirts some of the bottle’s content into the water and puts it back into the cupboard. A few minutes later, the bathtub is filled and he closes the taps again. On top of the water, floats a thick layer of foam. Matt loved foam. He would always make a beard with it, just to make me laugh. He was such a silly boy.

“Do you want me to help you out of those dirty clothes?” Jack asks me and I nod in response, because, honestly, I don’t have the strength to do it myself. Fresh tears are already standing in my eyes as I start thinking about Matt again. This is not how my life should be.

“Okay,” Jack whispers, slowly nodding and then he starts tugging at the hem of my sweatshirt. I lift my arms, making it easier for him to take it off, then I drop my arms again and let them dangle next to my body. He throws the dirty piece of clothing into the laundry basket, together with his own dirty one. Then he crouches down in front of me and undoes my belt. “Stand up,” he mutters. When I get up, he sneaks one of his arms around my waist, preventing me from falling over. His free hand, he uses to tug down my pants and underpants.

Normally I would start to feel enormously embarrassed about the fact that I’m standing butt naked in front of my best friend. But at this moment, I don’t give a flying fuck about it. Who would anyway?

“Come on, step into the tub,” Jack says with a soft and caring voice, his arm still wrapped around my bare waist. I step into the tub and sit down in the hot water, letting it relax my tense muscles.

“Jack?” I bring out, looking up at my friend. “Do you want to get into the tub too? Please?” I beg. Sounds pathetic, huh? A seventeen-year-old who doesn’t want to sit in the bath alone, afraid that the only person sticking around might leave as well. But it doesn’t seem that Jack finds my wishes pathetic. If he does, he’s very good at hiding it.

Jack just nods, takes off his clothes and sits down in front of me. He takes a facecloth from the plastic rack next to the bath and starts cleaning the dried puke off of my face. I force a weak smile to let him know how grateful I am that he’s doing all of this for me. He could’ve left me alone, just like everyone else has, but he hasn’t, which means the world to me. When he’s done washing my face, he quickly cleans himself too.

“I’m really sorry for what happened to Matt,” Jack softly speaks up, small tears blinking in his eyes. “I can’t even imagine how this must feel like for you,” he continues and takes my wet hand into his. “But I promise that I’ll get you through this, Alex. I’ve already lost one of my two best friends and I don’t want to lose the other one, okay?”

And how impossible it seems for me right now, I believe him. I’ve told myself more than a million times since Matt died that there is no life for me anymore, not without my Matt. But there’s something in Jack’s voice that makes me believe him, so I nod. A split second later, more tears start to tumble down my cheek and Jack reaches out for me, pulling me into an embrace.

We stay in the water, until it’s cooled down too much for us to stay in it. Jack helps drying me off and gets me into my pyjamas. I feel completely helpless when Jack guides my arms and legs through the pants and armholes of my pyjama, as if I am a little baby. After that, he puts on a pair of my pyjamas himself as well, apparently not caring that the sleeves and trouser-legs are way too long for his shorter posture.

“Try to get some sleep,” Jack whispers into my ear, after tucking me into my bed and crawling next to me. I nod my head in response and let him hold me, secretly dreaming that they are Matt’s arms wrapped around my waist, instead of Jack’s.