Held By Glue, Ch9

Alex almost crushes the bones in my hand as we are standing in front of Matt’s bedroom door. It’s been ages since I have last been here, but I can still perfectly remember how his room looks like.

“Are you ready?” I ask with a soft voice.

Entering Matt’s room and seeing all of his belongings will definitely recall an overload of memories and I don’t want to push Alex into rushing things.

“I don’t know,” Alex answers, anxiously biting his lower lip. He stares at the closed door in front of us and takes a deep breath. “Let’s do this,” he whispers, reaching out for the door handle.

Once the door is opened, I feel like we’re going back into time. Nothing in the room has changed. The many posters of Matt’s favourite bands on the walls, Matt’s guitar in the corner of the room, Matt’s stuffed bear lying on the bed, all of it is still there.

Alex takes small, insecure steps into the room, looking around him as if it is the first time he comes here. Then he sits down on the bed, letting his hand wander over the sheets. He takes the stuffed bear in his hands, a few tears already leaking from his eyes. “It smells like Matt,” he whispers, sniffing and hugging the teddy bear close. “He loved this bear. He had it since he was born,” he says, wiping away his tears with the back of his hand.

I nod in response, taking a few steps closer to the bed. I remember that teddy bear. Alex and I once kidnapped it to tease Matt. That was so hilarious.

“We can take it with us,” I tell Alex, sitting down next to him.

I look around me and spot a picture of me, Alex and Matt on the night stand. I pick it up and look at it.  We’re all smiling brightly at the camera; our noses slightly sunburnt from spending way too much time in the park together underneath the burning sun. Small tears start to form in my own eyes as well.

Matt. He was such a nice boy and I miss him so terribly. I knew him even before I had met Alex. Matt and I were best friends and there was nothing that could separate us. Then Alex came along. At first, I was jealous of Alex because he was constantly hanging around Matt. But it didn’t take that long until Alex and I became really good friends as well. Who had ever thought it would come to this?

Alex gets back up, still holding the teddy bear, and walks over to the large cupboard that is standing at the other side of the room. He opens it and takes out a bright red hoodie.

A soft chuckle escapes from my mouth as I see the piece of clothing. Matt loved that hoodie. He wore it as much as he could. 99% of the times you saw Matt, he was wearing it.

“I bought that for him,” Alex says, nodding at the piece of clothing.

I stand up as well and walk over to Alex. “Put it on, it’ll look great on you,” I tell him with a soft smile.

“Are you sure?” Alex asks, looking at the hoodie. “I mean, it’s Matt’s…” he whispers.

“I’m sure Matt would love to see you wearing it,” I say, taking the teddy bear from Alex so he can put on the hoodie.

“Are you sure?” Alex questions again, giving me an uncertain look.

“I really am. But if you don’t want to, you don’t have to. I’m just saying you’ll look beautiful in it.”

Alex bites his lower lip and stares at the hoodie for a few seconds. “Okay,” he says with a small smile and pulls the hoodie over his head. I was right; it looks gorgeous on him.

“You’re beautiful.” I smile and take Alex’s hand in mine, pulling him towards the large mirror next to the cupboard.

Alex looks at his own reflexion, tears blinking in his eyes. Then he puts his hands inside the pockets, his eyes suddenly widening. “There’s a note in it,” he whispers, fishing out a small piece of paper.

“What does it say?” I wonder out loud, taking a step closer to Alex.

Alex unfolds the note with trembling hands and quickly reads it. “It’s a note I wrote,” he says, more tears rolling down his cheeks and gives me the note.

‘Thank you for loving me. Always yours, Lex xxx .

Alex sits back down on the bed and starts sobbing.

I sit down next to the crying boy and take him in my arms, where he continues crying.

“I miss him so much,” Alex brings out between sobs. “Don’t get me wrong. I really love you and I’m happy that we’re together, but I can’t help missing him at the same time,” he tells me, sniffing away his tears.

“I know, Lex,” I whisper, cradling Alex. “I miss Matt too.”

It takes a little while before Alex stops crying, but eventually he sits up straight again and takes a deep breath. “There’s one more thing I’d like to take with me,” he speaks up, drying his face with the sleeve of Matt’s hoodie that he is still wearing. “Matt kept a diary. He let me read it every now and then, so I know there’s some pretty personal stuff about us in it. I don’t want his parents to read it. And maybe I can read it later, if I want to,” he tells me and stands up. “There’s a loose tile underneath his bed, with a small, hollow space underneath it, that’s where he kept it,” he says and sits down on his knees, next to the bed. He stretches his arm and a few minutes later, he retrieves a purple notebook from underneath the bed. He doesn’t open it; he just holds it firmly in his hands. “Thank God that no one found it before me.”

“Ready to go back home?” I ask Alex, quickly taking the picture of me, Alex and Matt I saw earlier. It’s such a beautiful picture. Too beautiful to be left here.

“I’m never going to see his room again after today,” Alex whispers, looking around him. “Matt and I had some great moments in here. Happy and sad ones.” He sighs, fresh tears making their way down his face.

I wrap an arm around Alex’s waist and kiss his left temple. “I know you did,” I whisper in his ear. “And they’ll always be in you heart, no matter what,” I add, pressing my left hand against his chest.

Alex nods and hugs Matt’s teddy bear that he is holding. “We better go now,” he says after a few moments of silence.

“Okay.” I nod and open the door for us. Before we leave, we say goodbye to Matt’s parents and thank them for letting us have some of Matt’s belongings.

***

Alex is remarkably quiet tonight. I can’t really blame him for that, though. Being in Matt’s room and seeing all of his stuff really upset him. Hell, it upset me as well. We’re lying on Alex’s bed right now, neither of us saying a word as we’re both lost in our own thoughts. Alex is still holding Matt’s teddy bear and the diary is resting on his lap. He still hasn’t opened it. He just stares at it and every once in a while, he reaches out to it, as if he is going to open it, but then he pulls his hand back and continues staring at it.

I lean my head on Alex’s shoulder and close my eyes. Today was such an exhausting day. Within a few minutes, I’m asleep.

When I open my eyes again, it’s dark outside. The room is slightly illuminated by a small lamp that is standing on the night stand next to Alex’s bed. I lift my head and look at Alex. He’s reading Matt’s diary and his eyes are red from crying.

“Everything okay?” I question with a soft voice, stroking the boy’s knee.

Alex shakes his head in response and sniffs away a few tears. “Read this,” he mutters, handing me the diary.

“Are you sure?” I ask hesitantly. “I mean, the things he wrote are probably really private,” I say, not looking down at the diary.

“It’s okay, just read it,” Alex tells me, more tears escaping from his eyes.

I nod and look down at the diary. First I look at the date. It’s written in February last year, about five months before Matt died.

Last night was one of the best nights of my life. I lost my virginity to the person I love the most in the world and want to spend the rest of my life with. It all started off in the park. Alex and I had a picnic there. It was so romantic and Alex was the sweetest. We eventually ended up making out in the middle of the park. Talk about public affection, heh. Yeah, that was fun. After that, we returned to my house. My room to be more precise. Since my parents weren’t home, we started making out again and one thing led to another. We took things slow. It was perfect. Alex looked so beautiful. It wasn’t the first time I saw him naked, but last night, he seemed to have a special glow lingering around him that made him even more beautiful. I bottomed. It hurt at first, but after a while it got better. A lot better. Alex made me feel like I was on cloud nine. The feeling of having him inside me was just perfect. It was a moment of the most intense intimacy I have ever felt and ever will feel. Right now half of my body hurts like a bitch, though. But it was so fucking worth it. I can’t wait until we do it again. Alex stayed over for the night afterwards. We just stayed in bed and cuddled. I love Alex more than anything in the world. He’s my other half. One day, we’ll get married and live together. It’ll be the most perfect life ever and I know I will die happily.

Wow. I really have no clue what to say now, so instead of saying something, I lay the diary aside and put both my arms around Alex, holding him close. We don’t say anther word and fall asleep like this.